Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are
Brené Brown
Carl Jung’s words, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are,” resonate deeply. All too often, we mould ourselves to fit in, seeking approval and acceptance. We mask our true selves – our talent , our gifts, our uniqueness.
It comes at a cost. For many that is burnout, stress, exhaustion and unfulfillment
The Psychology Behind the Mask
The pretender mask is a coping mechanism, a shield we use to protect ourselves from vulnerability. We fear rejection, judgement, and failure. Our insecurities tell us that we’re not good enough, smart enough, or interesting enough. And we believe them. So, we create a facade, a carefully crafted persona that we believe will be more palatable to others.
It stems from our life experiences
Our upbringing plays a significant role in shaping the mask we wear. Were you taught to prioritise others’ needs over your own? Were you encouraged to express our true feelings, or conditioned to suppress them? Our values also come into play. Do you value harmony and conflict avoidance above authenticity?
Women in the Workplace: The Pleasing Penalty and the Competence Paradox
Research shows that women are more likely than men to engage in people-pleasing behaviours in the workplace. This is often attributed to societal expectations and gender roles. Women are often socialised to be nurturing, agreeable, and supportive. While these qualities are valuable, they can also lead women to prioritise others’ needs at the expense of their own. This can manifest as taking on extra work, avoiding conflict, and downplaying their accomplishments.
Furthermore, women face a unique challenge in the workplace known as the “competence paradox.” They often feel pressured to prove their competence, as their abilities may be questioned or underestimated due to gender bias. However, when women assert themselves or demonstrate confidence, they risk being perceived as aggressive or unlikeable. This creates a double bind, forcing women to walk a tightrope between demonstrating competence and maintaining likeability.
The High Cost of Missed Opportunities
While the pretender mask may seem helpful, it comes at a hefty cost, leading to missed opportunities in various aspects of life, Here are three;
- Love: Fear of rejection or judgement may prevent us from expressing our true feelings, and asking for what we need leading to missed connections and unfulfilling relationships. It could mean staying in an unhealthy relationship, fearing judgement of others.
- Career: Playing it safe and conforming to expectations can stifle ambition and creativity, causing us to miss out on career advancements or pursuing our true passions. Women in particular may miss out on leadership roles or challenging projects due to concerns about being perceived negatively. We don’t ask for the pay rise or promotion for fear of judgement
- Adventure: The fear of stepping outside our comfort zone can hold us back from embracing new experiences. What would people say, imagine travelling to unexplored destinations, or taking risks that could lead to personal growth.
Take the Mask off -Unleash authentic you
The good news is that you can break free from the pretender mask and embrace our authentic selves. It takes a bit of practice, the more you do it the easier it gets!
This journey involves:
- Identifying Your Fears and Insecurities: What are you afraid of? What insecurities are driving your need to please others?
- Challenging Your Limiting Beliefs: Are your beliefs about yourself accurate? Are they serving you?
- Practise Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. How would you talk to the person you love most in this world? Do the same for you.
- Set or reclaim Boundaries: Learn to say no and prioritise your own needs.
- Seek Support: Consider coaching, therapy or counselling if needed
- Celebrate Yourself: Highlight your accomplishments and don’t be afraid to ask for what you deserve.
