"You have to be everything, you have to never age, you have to never show emotion, Must always be grateful, But never ask for anything…"
Barbie Movie
Carl Jung’s words, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are,” resonate deeply with me as a coach. I’ve witnessed countless clients hiding behind masks, desperately trying to conform and fit in.
But as the Barbie movie so aptly illustrates, trying to be everything to everyone is an impossible and exhausting endeavour.
The Pressure to Conform
In the workplace, we’re often told how to act, dress, and even what our values should be. We’re encouraged to join certain groups and adopt specific behaviours in order to climb the corporate ladder. I once worked at a company where the “in-crowd” was made up entirely of season ticket holders for the local football team! Talk about pressure to fit the mould.
For women, the pressure is often amplified. Societal expectations and outdated gender norms can create a double bind. We’re expected to be “nice” and nurturing, but not too nice or we’ll be seen as pushovers. I recently coached a client who was criticized for prioritizing her team’s well-being, despite their stellar performance. Apparently, she was “too soft.”
On the other hand, women who are assertive and ambitious can be labelled as aggressive or difficult. It’s a no-win situation, where we’re constantly trying to balance authenticity with the desire to be accepted.
This struggle for authenticity extends beyond the workplace and into our personal lives. Many women I’ve spoken to feel immense pressure to conform to societal ideals of beauty, fashion, and lifestyle. They spend countless hours and dollars on clothes, makeup, and procedures, all in the pursuit of external validation. This relentless pursuit of an unattainable ideal can lead to burnout, exhaustion, and a loss of self.
The Roots of it all
At the root of this conformity lies a deep-seated insecurity about who we are. Childhood experiences, societal messaging, and past hurts can leave us feeling unworthy and unlovable. To avoid pain and rejection, we create a facade to protect ourselves.
As young girls, many of us were taught to be “nice,” to not rock the boat, and to prioritise others’ needs over our own.
We were told to be quiet, to not take up too much space, and to not ask for what we truly wanted. I was once described as “wilful” and it wasn’t a compliment!
I was bullied for being short, while my tall friend was bullied for her height. There were no winners – except the cool kids, but then you realise they weren’t happy either!
The Journey Back to Authenticity
Coaching is transformative for me and those I coach. Coaching gets you to shed the mask and embrace authenticity.
Recognize the old patterns of insecurity and self-doubt, but they’ll no longer dictate actions.
I’ve embraced my quirks, my passions, and my unique perspective on the world.
If you’re tired of pretending, here are some tips to start your journey back to authenticity:
- Listen , acknowledge and then ignore that Inner Critic: Recognise and question those negative thoughts that tell you you’re not good enough.
- Embrace Your “Imperfections”: We all have flaws, chances are nobody else notices them anyway! Embrace what makes you unique.
- Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build a tribe of people who love and appreciate you for who you are.
- Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” to things that don’t align with your values or goals.
- Speak Your Truth: Don’t be afraid to express your opinions and share your authentic self with the world.
Remember, you are enough, just as you are. And as Dr. Seuss famously said, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Find your tribe, create your own community, and live your life authentically. Stop being stuck and start being you!
